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Squirrel Eating My Balls!

February 28, 2014 by · Leave a Comment 

Dear Tony,
Last week I was at Cobblestone Golf Course on the 12th hole, I drove my ball near a tree.When I reached my ball, I noticed a frigging Squirrel had picked up my ball and was chewing on it. I started to scream at the S.O.B., and took out my 22 and proceeded to shoot at him. With all dis excitement he dropped the ball. My ball was all chewed up and now I was further deeper in some bushes. What’s the proper ding to do.
Angelo Tropiccani-Ackworth.

Dear Angelo,
Lucky for you da rules aren’t as fuzzy as your little friend. According to Rule 18-1 says dat a ball moved by an outside agency can be replaced without a penalty. Also since dat S.O.B. turned you ball into a Flintstones ball you can replace that too. Rule 5-3 Balls unfit to play, can be swapped out, but it must show visibly cut, or cracked or out of shape. Just inform your crew of what happened and if they don’t believe you also show dem your gun and let dem feel dat da barrel is still warm.

Drop it you fool!

November 8, 2010 by · Leave a Comment 

Dear Tony,

After an incredible wayward drive, I approached my ball and realized my shot was close to the driving range. I suddenly imagined myself to be a moving target with an orange cap on my head. I was as scared as eating at Umberto’s in Manhattan, New York during the late eighties. Should I have had gotten a free relief out of that hazardous situation?

                 Wet Pants

Dear Wet Pants,

As an avid golfer in Florida, unda the watchful of hungry gators, I know the pressure of hitting a ball with the fear of death on your mind and getting a good shot off. The rules do try their best to keep you safe from death.

Decision 1-4/10 provides relief from imminent dangers like bees nest’s or rattlesnakes, but they do not provide for common occurrences of da course. Unfortunately having errant balls flying your way is just like life. It’s hit or miss. If you were that scarred, you should have taken an unplayable lie unda Rule 28. You would have taken a penalty stroke

But that’s a small price to pay for making sure you don’t wind up like Joey Gallo.

Big T.

Hangin on Da Lip!

March 30, 2010 by · Leave a Comment 

Dear Tony,

My partner Figoni had a birdie put on the 17th hole. The ball stopped on the lip and was hanging over the edge.

When Figi walked to the hole, I told him his ball was still rolling. So we stood there for a second or so and it finally fell in. Was this legit or should be loose a stroke?

Genaro

Dear San Genaro,

This is when Da ten second rule should go into effect. If it lays on the lip for over 10 seconds Den if it falls

Into da hole, he should have been penalized a stroke unda Rule 16-2. Tell Figoni to grease his balls before his game.

Tony

Kilts and Shirts

February 3, 2010 by · Leave a Comment 

Dear Mr. Tony,

My girlfriend and I occasionally play golf against men and they always whine about giving us strokes, and we get to hit from the shorter tees. What do you recommend we do to make it fairer.

Skirts and Kilts

Dear Kilt,

I suggest you get Dem guys all a piece of cheese to go with Dat whine. If day can’t stand the pressure, den suggest that they move up to da front tees. I would make sure they follow the USGA’s Handicap System. As long as yous guys post your scores with da proper course rating from the tee’s you played from. Your handicap is accurate and da yardage is taken into consideration. If dat doesn’t work then don’t play with the knuckleheads.

Tony

The Shadow of My Smile

November 9, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 

Dear Tony,

I was playing at my friends fancy delancy club when we came to da 14th green which was one of dose particularly tough greens.

After my buddy conferred with his caddie, a fat slob named Dougie Double Chin, he addressed da ball while DDC stood a few feet behind him and to da side. I couldn’t help but notice dat my friends caddie was makin’ a big fat shadow right along da line dat dey had decided to putt on. Sure enough da prick’s putt went straight along da shadow over da hill and into da hole.

Wow!, I didn’t want to embarrass my friend at his club, but felt I’d been had. Was dis legal? Was dis a shakedown from a different clown?

Henry Hill

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Dear Henry,

You name sounds like someone I know.

You are correct, your buddies antics and da rules back you up. While he wasn’t touching da green (a more obvious no-no ), his caddie was still violating Rule 8-2b-1 which strictly forbids anyone from indicating da line of a putt while da stroke is being played. Dat should have cost your friend two strokes or atleast a bullet in da kneecap.

But I know, you have to be careful about embarrassin’ certain folks. Especially if you want to live to see the 19th hole.

-Tony

Singing In Da Rain

August 3, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 


Dear Tony,

I was on the green and da rain started coming down like cats and dogs. So I decided to putt my ball wit one hand on da putter and held the umbrella wit da utter.

My partner said I was cheatin’ becauseI was blockin’ myself and my ball from da elements. I told the S%$#^&^% as long as someone else wasn’t holding da umbrella for me I was clear. Whaddya dink!

Leo Layman


Dear Leo,

Dats the best umbrella story I’ve heard since Gene Kelly was singin’ da rain.

Rule 14-2a states you can’t make any strokes while accepting protection from your buddy holding your umbrella while yous putt. However, unda Rule 14-2/2, you are not prohibited from protecting yourself from da elements. Unfortunately Big Pussy should have taken the Witness Protection Plan instead of going fishin a while ago.  Just dink of it dis way, dere’s no rule saying your buddy can’t hold your beer can while your putting.

Or your putter while you’re drinkin’. Not dat dere’s anythin’ wrong wit dat.

Tony

Twinkle Toes

June 2, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 


Dear Mr. T,

It was a glorious day on the golf course as I approached a long eagle putt on a short par 5. I couldn’t see the hole, so after I hit the ball, I followed it toward the cup. I got there just as the ball did and when it started to slow near the hole. I jokingly stamped my foot to help the ball go in. Well guess what? It went in!

As I left the green I was wondering whether my Irish Jig actually caused it to go in the hole.

Tony, was I correct in giving my self an eagle? Please set my conscience straight.

- Twinkle Toes

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Dear Twinkle Toes,

According ta Rule 1.2.4, if da ball was still moving when you did your Jig, I hate to tell ya my friend, but dat’s a two stoke penalty.

Dis is because your action coulda influenced da movement of da ball. Now if da ball was at rest when youse did your jig, den it’s a one stroke penalty and you have ta replace da ball.

Now again if it was not possible ta tell whedda it was moving or not, da rulez ain’t kind here either. It’s presumed to be moving if it can’t be determined dat it was at rest. So instead of your eagle you get a par. Kapish?

My advice…save da jig for da next dead body you see.

-T

The Old Rake & Bunker Story

June 2, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 


Dear Tony,

One of my competitors hit a shot that stopped up against a rake just above a sand trap. Because of the slope, the ball would have rolled into the bunker if the rake was moved. So what my buddy does is use his wedge to strike the rake’s handle which propelled his ball onto the green. I told him he could only strike the ball with the club head and he should take a stroke penalty.

Tell me I’m right and I win a bet against this creative douche.

Raked Over the Coals

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Dear Raked Over,

Well, well, well, if it ain’t da old hit-the-rake-dats-blocking-da-ball-from-da-bunker-and-knocking-it-on-da-green trick. If I seen it once, I seen it over a hundred times. Short answer…it sucks to be you.

Your buddy played the ball fairly per Rule 14-1, even though an object intervened between the club head and da ball (Rule 14-1-5 ).

He also could have removed the rake and replaced da ball if it moved (Rule 24-1A).

If da ball failed to come to rest on da spot and kept rolling into the bunker, he would have had to replace it at the nearest spot where it would come to rest, but that is not nearest to da hole and not in da bunker.

Face it, your friend is better den you, smarter den you, and I’d bet, more successful den you.

-T

UNDAGROUND

May 4, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 


Dear T,

I play in the Pacific Northwest and live under the Ferderal Witness Protection Program and it gets pretty cold up here.

A friend in my group hit his drive, which appears ta go out of bounds. He declared a provisional and since I was next ta his golf bag he requested me ta get him another ball for him.

As I reached into his golf bag I feels a large cold item that resembles a 44 caliber revolver. More importantly, next ta dat I noticed he was using a hand warmer ta keep his golf balls warm. I heard that warm balls fly farther. From experience, I know they look bigger when warm.

Anyway, I didn’t whack em with my gun, or a penalty stroke, but should I have?

Vinny Gumbots

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Dear Vinny,

Unda Rule (14-3/13.5) if yous are using a ball dat has been purposely warmed during a round with a artificial device yous guys are automatically disqualified. Howeva you can artificially warm your balls prior to da round. Redtube.com is a great place for dat.

Me personally, I would have shot the prick in da knee for cheating.

-T

Mr. Manners

May 4, 2009 by · Leave a Comment 

Somebody Needs to Whack These TwoDear Tony,

I tees up and addresses my ball, den I steps back to take a practice swing when I digs up an enormous divot that sent friggen mud, blood and dirt flyin’ everywhere. Some of da bloody mud stuck to the back of my ball and I proceeded to clean it. I don’t won’t no authorities checkin my balls for dna, you know what I mean?

My buddy Mon Mullins said I don’t got no right to do dat because I had already addressed my ball and therefore it was in play. What do you dink T, am I right for cleanin it or what?

Anthony Antiposto

Dear Mr. Antiposto,

Hot or cold I don’t know. While your ball may not be clean, your conscience should be.

Your friend Moony was trying to talk ya into another stroke. Da rules say you can clean your ball, lick your ball, stick that ball up your bung or whatever… all because you didn’t take a stroke yet.

If you’da taken a stroke or whiffed like my friend Joey “Stuggats” Mantineo ya woulda incurred a one stroke penality for lifting and cleaning dat ball. To be clear, dat’s da ball on the ground, not the ones hangin in youse pants. Dat means you’d have ta wait to clean da ball until you was proceeding unda Rule( 24-2 ) which allows a lift and clean to da ball when you’re on da green.

-T

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